Hubris and Bacon

Nothing was made to last forever; everything changes, dies, and rots. But man, using hubris-fed science and a nose-holding disregard for his own stomach, has always sought to conquer the debilitating effects of time and decay in the most crucial of areas: our pantries. Thus, we end up with disgusting products like deep mined snack cakes*, carcinogenic deli meat, pork brains in milk gravy, and now this abomination:


Bacon. In a can. For humans. To eat.

Accdording to the web site that sells this "food", the canned bacon has a shelf life of 10 years. That's a longer shelf life than anything in my pantry. Hell, that's longer than the actual shelves in my pantry will last.


Mmmm, nothing says appetizing like the words "shelf-stable".

You know how manufacturers will use trick photography, or specially hand-crafted versions of their product so that they get the best possible, most appealing shot of their product, even if it has no bearing to the actual end result? Like how in the ads, a Big Mac looks about 2 feet tall and as sharp and boldly colored as a Mondrian painting, but when you get it it looks like it's freshly poured from a blender and as colorful as a thunderstorm? Yeah, this is that shot:


Mmm, wax paper and grease. The site adds "Ready to eat right out of the can or toss it in a pan to heat it up". Yes cold bacon. Out of a can. Just as good!

Why would anyone subject themselves to this? And at $110 per case, no less? According to the site "this bacon makes a perfect addition to your food storage program". Which means, of course, that this is targeted to the mouth-breathing, tin hatted, bomb shelter hoarders. So, in the event that your duct tape and plastic does actually save you from the UN-funded Islamofascist apocalypse, you'll still be able to maintain some semblance of normalcy (obesity and high cholesterol), and preserve the most precious values of Western civilization (hubris and bacon).



Let's eat! You think they make a vegetarian version?


* Okay, I don't think I've ever had a twinkie, so I don't know if they're just disgusting in theory, or actually disgusting when you eat them.