For today's on-the-move zombie

First off, let me say that I actually have quite a bit of respect for this product. Unlike hot dogs, spam, jello, or the intentionally vague "potted meat" products, all of whom hide the fact that they use various generally-considered-unconsumable body parts, this product bravely proclaims: hey, I'm a fucking disgusting body part from a dirty, ill-treated animal! It's almost a dare. You want some of this? Exactly how strong is your constitution? Are you man enough to eat pork brains, smart guy?

But more than that, I also respect it for the simple fact that it manages to pull off the unholy disgusting food product trifecta:
-meat in a can? Check
-animal products generally thought of as inedible? Check
-highly perishable food items, yet is somehow non-perishable? Check mate

Seriously, why did they have to soak this in, of all things, milk gravy? That's the fecal cherry on top of this shit sunday. What were those geniuses at Armour thinking? Really? I imagine the production launch meeting going something like this:
-Marketing VP:... And that's why we feel we are perfectly primed to tap the largely unexploited animal brain market with this product.
-CEO: Ok, that sounds good, but is there a way we could make this product even more repulsive to Kosher Jews?
-Marketing VP: Yes! Milk gravy!
-In Unison: Mazel Tov!
*Execs all clink their champagne glasses, which, as the camera pans out we see are filled with horse blood [real product]*

Oh, and there are other things gross about this. Of course, there's the Nutritional (using the term loosely here) Facts on the back:


1200% of cholestoral, my friend. That's not easy to pull off. Two weeks worth of artery cloggers in one 5.5oz can. Your move, Baconater! I wonder if it would actually be better for your heart if you skipped eating this junk and just stuffed it directly into your artery.

And for those of you out there thinking "I'd love some pork brains, but I only have recipes for monkey brains", Armour has got you covered:

"Step 1: Drain brains. No Mister President, that's not what I... oh, nevermind."